Disclosure

This word is no longer an option for me. Not even within the LGBTQ community, which I have been trying to escape from anyhow.

I have learned that it is simply too difficult for me to be "part-time trans." In other words, I am going stealth and there I will remain. I always told myself in the beginning that I would never go stealth but one thing transition has taught me...don't make any decisions too soon because you don't know how you will feel as the transition progresses.

All of this is based on something that happened to me over the weekend. I have now been on T for almost a full year and a half. I pass 100% as male. Yes, I hate the word "pass" but humor me here. Anyhow, I met a cisman in early December of last year, right after I had my top surgery. He has known me as nothing but the man I am now and has never even seen pictures of me pre-transition. To my knowledge, he has never seen me as anything other than male and why should he? This man has even given me shaving tips and instruction.

Well, he referred to me as "she" at one point over the weekend. He corrected himself immediately, but not until after. This shows me how he views me and also shows me that it's true about what I've heard many trans people say over and over...people WILL treat you differently when they know.

Job Interviews and Gender Marker

So the clock ticks down. I have landed a job interview tomorrow. My first where I am to be seen as myself...a man. Turns out that it's a group interview where 8 of us will be interviewed. We'll each be asked questions, there will be a 10 minute break and those of us selected for the next round will have a one-on-one interview. If they really like someone, an offer will be made on the spot. I figure if nothing else, it will be good practice for me. I was really nervous at first...of this group interview aspect however as someone said, if I can go through transition, this should basically be a piece of cake.

It's definitely been a different train of thought as what to wear to a job interview as a man. Easier in a lot of ways, but there's the issue of facial hair. I have a small goatee which I am keeping. So I figure neat, trimmed and no other facial hair. Should look fine. Hair is really short and cropped. Nice dress shirt, dress pants and a tie. Can't go wrong.

Onto the gender marker...I got my top surgery November 30th. Texas is an extremely hard state to navigate around legal gender marker changes. One must be on hormones and have had, at a minimum, top surgery. It must be done in the court system by appearing before a judge. As a result, I think it would be extremely risky to not have an attorney for the process so I hired one. An attorney that actually helped a local guy get his done and has also helped others in the community. She watches the docket for a transfriendly judge, so you don't waste your time and/or money. So I've waited about 3 weeks now. The new docket comes out each Monday, so I emailed her Monday to find out if we were good to go. Nothing...she never returned my email. I find out yesterday afternoon that a judge she named as being transfriendly has been on the docket all week. So I call her office and her assistant tells me the docket hasn't had a transfriendly judge this week and that we'll need to wait until next week.

So I email her again yesterday and hear nothing. The docket will change again tomorrow so who knows how long I'll have to wait again? I do intend on calling her again today if I don't hear anything because I really want to know why she let a week slip by, when this process could've been already taken care of.

I feel a bit more pressure since I'm actually starting to interview for jobs. Makes it a lot more frightening to navigate when your driver's license states you are female. Maybe they won't look at that. Maybe others don't really even think about it. I took a look at the employment authorization form online last night (the I-9 form) and it doesn't have a box for gender, so who knows?

Let's just hope I can get this done by the time I actually start work at a new job. Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse, but I've paid this attorney her fee already and to my knowledge, she has already drawn up the petition.

I just needed to vent. I will keep everyone posted.

Trans...from the outside

So last night was a different experience for me. I joined an intellectual discussion group. The group was a very ecclectic group of people...lesbians, gay men, cisgendered "straight" people and me. The discussion was centered around two trans artists....an ftm and an mtf. To make a long story short sure, I could have disclosed last night, but I chose not to. The person who invited me knew and that was it.

So I went stealth. What I found interesting was discussing transgendered issues and such, as a presenting cisguy. They had small facts cut out and distributed around the room about the hardships trans people face...things cisgendered people take for granted or don't really even think about, such as restroom usage, paying $1000s in therapy to have someone tell you something you already knew, etc etc.

They discussed how hard it must be to be trans and various things like that. What I found to feel strange, was that I knew what all of those things on the fact sheets felt like. They spoke of female vs male socialization and how some trans people try to overcome the socialization with which they were raised and I spoke from my own feelings and point of view to the group. One woman thanked me for being so knowledgable over trans issues and told me she enjoyed my discussion yet, they had no idea I was trans.

Anyhow, this post may sound like quite a bit of rambling, but I felt the need to share. It's a group I plan on attending each time they have a discussion, because their topics vary. One day, I may disclose but for now, I see no need.

Male Bonding

Yesterday, I was called "man," "dude," and "bro"...all within about a 5 minute timespan by the guy at the shop, who was making my sandwich for lunch.

Honestly? I had no idea how to respond. I think it's cool and all, but still find myself a bit unsure as to how to "act" when this happens. He handed me my sandwich and I said, "Thanks man. Take it easy." He nodded.

So I am assuming this was correct? I know I'm not the only transman who feels lost when this happens? Do we as transmen, worry too much about the elusive "male bonding?"

Your thoughts?

Honor and Dignity Make the Man

Up until a few years ago, if someone had asked me if I were a man, I would've looked at them like they were crazy. How could I be a man when I wasn't born with a penis? Now of course looking back, I realize how wrong I was for it's not merely a body part that makes one a man. Nor is it testerone, facial hair, testicles or any specific hair cut. It's all about honor and dignity. THAT is what makes a man.

More Pronoun Thoughts

Okay, so after thinking this through a bit more, I have come to a conclusion (to follow up on my Blatant Disrespect post). I feel that if someone has been told that a trans person prefers new pronouns, yet someone completely disregards this knowledge and doesn't even TRY, that, is a sign of disrespect.

Sure there will more than likely be slip-ups, which is okay at first. It's actually expected however, when you do not even try, then it's a problem.

Thoughts?

Blatant Disrespect or Not?

I am assuming it happens to all trans people whether you are FTM or MTF. "It" being friends and/or family who, for whatever reason, continue to use old pronouns or names.

Maybe it's just me, but my feelings on the matter are this....of course everyone should be given a "period of adjustment" and of course, depending on how long you have known someone, the adjustment time is different. This also depends on the trans person. How long of a period are YOU willing to give them before it becomes a blatant sign of disrespect? I do believe that not everyone who gets the pronouns wrong is doing it to be disrespectful or aggressive but by the same token, what is the acceptable amount of time to give people?

I have a couple of people in my life who I have known for 14 years or so. With them, sure...it is taking longer. Same with the people in my family who know. But how long is too long?

Thoughts?

Stealth

I catch myself wondering about trans people who choose to go stealth. When does one actually take it to this level? Is it when they are being perceived as 100% male or female when out and about? Or is it when they feel they are ready, regardless as to how they are being perceived? And is it possible to go stealth in the same town one lived in pre-transition? Or is moving a necessity for the stealth life?

I realize this is a very short post however, it's something that has really been on my mind a lot lately. Not that this is what I plan for myself. I mean of course I will be stealth to some however, I personally feel that in order for me to truly give future friends the opportunity to know me, my being trans is something I will feel necessary to divulge. Not right upfront of course, but eventually.

Thoughts?

Pronouns

I find myself wondering about pronouns in the trans community. Things such as wondering whether or not some trans people, are still okay with others using pronouns to match the body they were born in. I mean, are there FTMs who are seriously okay with being referred to as "she?"

A friend of mine went on a trip to Chicago, where he ran into an FTM artist and his wife. He was surprised for a bit, because the wife kept referring to the FTM as "she." My friend advised me that the FTM looked biomale in appearance, yet seemed perfectly content with the female pronouns.

For me personally, as I have evolved as an FTM, I find that when people refer to me using female pronouns, that it stirs up huge dysphoric feelings. I find this getting worse as time goes on. It's to the point now, to where it just about brings me to tears.

So back to my original question. Are there some that are okay with it? If so, please let me know if they would be willing to talk to me. I'd love to hear their perspectives.

FTM Passing Tips

Not saying I agree or disagree with his list, but I found some good, useful information put together by a transman here:

http://maddoxtrans.piczo.com/passingtipsfortransmen

Some I have personally used, some I have not.

I do have to say that I agree with his statement about the "crew cut" so often having the world mistake the transman as a "butch" lesbian. Recently, when I had my hair a bit softer, without gel (after a swim), it appeared more as a crew cut and I was referred to as an "amiga" while dining at a Mexican restaurant. Now, the waiter may have had bad Spanish. Who knows? Just info I thought I would share.

I hope you find it useful.

Divided Community?

Oftentimes, we find discrimination within our very own communities. This goes for communities all across the board. What I personally find exceptionally disappointing, is when we find it right here, in the trans/soffa community. Sure there are no rules written in stone for us. No hard, fast rules about transition and how it affects either the trans person or their soffas. Most often, we find ourselves making up the rules as we go. Some finding the struggle much more difficult than others.

The struggle continues in both trans and soffa groups. The following blog entry provides information from division within the soffa community: http://ftmsecretso.blogspot.com/2010/07/division-in-soffa-community.html.

Keep in mind this very blog and the entries contained within, are MY opinions and views only. From the depths of the FTM mind and brain. I'd like to hear others thoughts and opinions on this seemingly controversial subject as well.

I must admit....

That my reasoning for starting this group was in part, selfish. Personally, I am growing tired of meeting other transfolks in therapy (trans) groups. Please do not mistake my words here...there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with meeting others via therapy groups. I mean, you are all there due to one common bond. Right? In fact, I have met some very influential people in my life, through therapy groups.

But let's put a different spin on it. What if you could meet people in a setting who have more than that one specific bond in common? What if you actually found someone in that group, that had similar interests? Maybe you both love coffee, hiking or swimming. Now there's a concept!

My hope in starting this group, is that it will begin to attract people who are not only trans or soffa, but who desire to make friends out of like-interests (not just merely by the fact that we are either soffa or trans).

So...that being said...the group is welcoming of all FTM (female-to-male), MTF (male-to-female), Significant Others, Family, Friends and Alliances (SOFFA) and genderqueer people.